You're a small little *****
Illustrations by Al LisitzkayaOur eyes see this recognition and the subsequent convulsive distancing: I'm not with you, we're not together. We're not the commonplace of "migrant women working in a wealthy residential area of Switzerland, on the outskirts of Zug with a stunning view of the lake."
Recently, there was a movie-like robbery in this area. I'm telling you what I heard from my "boss", the mother of the children I babysit. Here’s how it went: Two men in a car with French license plates broke into one of the fancy houses. They didn't expect a teenage girl, the homeowner’s daughter, to be in the house. They tied her up and strapped her to a chair. Meanwhile, their neighbor, who turned out to be a local policeman, heard a strange noise and went to investigate. And despite it being his day off, when he saw that the situation was serious, he decided to try to neutralize them urgently, but he failed and ended up tied up next to the girl. The robbers took the safe and fled the scene. Somehow they managed to escape, even though there was a chase and only one road leading to the village of Oberwile along the lake.
I'm trying to imagine what these robbers looked like if they overpowered a policeman, because have you seen Swiss police at all? They all look like a cast for the Avengers there: pumped up, tall, with snow-white smiles, both men and women. I'd say that seeing them, the next frame in your head would be thoughts about porn. I'm not an expert, unfortunately, but isn't this a typical plot, firemen, plumbers, and of course, law enforcement officers? That's exactly what Swiss police look like. But maybe it's because there were two robbers, and our hero was alone. Maybe he didn't see that there were two of them, grabbed one, and then unexpectedly the second one jumped out. Or maybe our policeman was elderly? Maybe it's the police chief, after all, it's a rich neighborhood.
I'd like to know what was in that safe. Of course, I could look up information on whether they managed to catch them, but for some reason, I want to think that this movie ended the way adventure films end. For some reason, I want to think that these French robbers are almost Robin Hoods, but that's just because I hate my job and automatically it affects the whole neighborhood. Or maybe these guys were friends of this girl? Maybe she was in on it? Maybe she's still their accomplice and that's how she tricked her parents who deprived her of her Swiss inheritance, with the words "you need to know life." Well, then I would suggest she go as a nanny to two toddlers. That's where she would know life, come to her parents with the words "you were right" and they would hug and cry on each other's shoulders. She wouldn't have had to stage a movie-like robbery.
But the nanny to two toddlers in this story is me, and I'm already close to the thought of robbery. Unfortunately, the family I work for is not so fancy and has just moved to this area, so there's unlikely to be a safe with family jewels. But they have a cool coffee machine, it's just a pity that coffee doesn't really go down on workdays. Two cups maximum. It's even a shame that I can't drink enough in advance.
I'm the daughter, of course. She puts me to bed, reads me a book, strokes my arms and head, saying "sleep-sleep" and these are the sweetest minutes during work. She always wakes me up with the song "Happy Birthday to you" - the second favorite plot now, birthday - and gives me a pretend cake. Yesterday we played twice because the younger one slept for a long time, and we can only play when she's asleep. Oh, sweet minutes on this soft couch.
Every time I wonder why I get so tired. Maybe I've long lost objectivity and ten hours once a week with two toddlers rationally seem to me not such a big deal, and I convince myself of this. Or maybe it really is a lot. Recently at a party where we were saying goodbye for six months to a friend who's going to Hong Kong, I chatted with two of his childhood friends. One of them, Caroline or Carola or Corinne, I can't remember now, exclaimed "TEN HOURS?" as if she couldn't believe it, and wouldn’t calm down, even after I said, "JUST ONCE A WEEK". That's what I always tell myself "It's only once a week, so it's nothing." But Caroline-Carola-Corinne was shocked and said something like “TOO MUCH”. Maybe she's right, and it is too much after all.
Somewhere after lunch, I often start walking around and chewing the words "you little bitch." Not out loud, of course, my God, of course not. But I feel these words with every cell of my body. Understandably, it's the age, she's testing boundaries, seeing how far she can go with me and what will happen to her for it - three years old, in a word. Sometimes she throws something at me or kicks with her feet, and she always has such an expression on her face and a squint in her eyes that I understand exactly: yes, THIS is happening now.
"test-test”
Can you hear me?
Hello everyone in this house!
Now we'll test Nastya's strength! Applause from the teddy bears-dolls and of course my favorite fox!
The performance drags on because Nastya can't be provoked (yeah, right! but I'm an actress, don't forget).
WE'RE MOVING ON TO CAUSELESS HYSTERIA on
Let's count together!
One
Two
Three
SCREEEEEAM
Great!
Mission completed!
Thank you all and see you sooooon!"
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor E. Frankl.
It's even awkward to quote him here, but in the end, it all comes down to this. I keep thinking about this job, about my tiredness, and how often I think I have no choice. But this last choice can't be taken away from me.
So how should I feel about this?
Will I last in this job for another year or two? Will even the older one remember me? Will she remember how we made crowns or baked a pie? So far it's hard for me to detach and look from the outside. So far I think that all this work is a long game of survival. Life together with the older girl has united in a coalition of "let's test Nastya's strength" and they're doing very well, honestly. But I'm also Nastya-the-Rock.
Do we become strong because we've been through a lot and coped, or on the contrary, does everything heavy we've had to go through make us a little weaker? What reserve of strength and stability is given to us for free? And by the way, what about energy? I have the same questions about energy. Is there a limit? Can you spend it all on nonsense and spend the rest of your life dragging along without strength? Or my favorite question, how much energy can you borrow from your future self? Then, when you need to tighten your belt and pull yourself together and this overcoming goes on and on, and there's no end in sight, that's when all that's left is to take energy and strength from your future self.
And now I am that very "future self." And I want to call myself a year ago and say "you little bitch!"
DON'T DO IT
Just don't do it
Don't even think about it!
You’re a little bitch
You’re small little bitch Nastya
Potpuri është një platformë e pavarur botuese dhe iniciativë bashkëpunuese e fokusuar në metodologjitë eksperimentale të kërkimit, gazetarisë investigative dhe prodhimit. Fokusi i procesit të punës së Potpurit është nxitja e metodologjive kolektive në praktikat e botimit për prodhimin e gazetave fizike. Kolektivi Potpuri është i bazuar ndërmjet Kosovës dhe Zvicrës, aktiviteti ynë kërkon tema dhe urgjenca të përbashkëta sociale si ringjallja e shtypit të shkruar në Kosovë, mungesa e hapësirave institucionale reflektuese për diasporën shqiptare në Zvicër, politikat dhe dukuritë sociale nën përvojat migratore, dhe më e rëndësishmja sigurimi i një hapësire mikpritëse për shprehjet e zërave të padëgjuar brenda mjediseve komerciale.
Potpuri is an independent publishing platform and collaborative initiative focused on experimental methodologies of research, investigative journalism and production. The focus of the work-process of Potpuri is the fostering of collective methodologies in publishing practices for the production of physical newspapers. Potpuri collective is based between Kosovo and Switzerland, our activity seeks for common social themes and urgencies such as the revival of printed press in Kosovo, the absence of reflective institutional spaces for the Albanian diaspora in Switzerland, the politics and social phenomena under migratory experiences, and most importantly providing a welcoming space for expressions of voices unheard within commercial settings.
Potpuri ist eine unabhängige Veröffentlichungsplattform und Initiative, die sich auf experimentelle Forschungsmethoden, investigativen Journalismus und Produktion konzentriert. Der Schwerpunkt des Arbeitsprozesses von Potpuri liegt in der Förderung kollektiver Methoden der Verlagspraxis für die Produktion von Zeitungen. Das Potpuri-Kollektiv arbeitet im Kosovo und der Schweiz. Unsere Themen und Dringlichkeiten wie der Wiederbelebung der gedruckten Presse im Kosovo reichen von dem Fehlen reflektierender institutioneller Räume für die albanische Diaspora in der Schweiz und den sozialen Phänomenen der Migrationserfahrungen. Ein Raum für Ausdruck von Stimmen, die in kommerziellen Umgebungen häufig ungehört bleiben.
This edition was produced with the financial support of the European Union, Provitreff Verein and “ici. here together”. The content of this publication is the sole responsibility of NGO Rritu and NAFAKË and does not necessarily reflect the views of the European Union or any other funding body.
Potpuri është një platformë e pavarur botuese dhe iniciativë bashkëpunuese e fokusuar në metodologjitë eksperimentale të kërkimit, gazetarisë investigative dhe prodhimit. Fokusi i procesit të punës së Potpurit është nxitja e metodologjive kolektive në praktikat e botimit për prodhimin e gazetave fizike. Kolektivi Potpuri është i bazuar ndërmjet Kosovës dhe Zvicrës, aktiviteti ynë kërkon tema dhe urgjenca të përbashkëta sociale si ringjallja e shtypit të shkruar në Kosovë, mungesa e hapësirave institucionale reflektuese për diasporën shqiptare në Zvicër, politikat dhe dukuritë sociale nën përvojat migratore, dhe më e rëndësishmja sigurimi i një hapësire mikpritëse për shprehjet e zërave të padëgjuar brenda mjediseve komerciale.
Potpuri is an independent publishing platform and collaborative initiative focused on experimental methodologies of research, investigative journalism and production. The focus of the work-process of Potpuri is the fostering of collective methodologies in publishing practices for the production of physical newspapers. Potpuri collective is based between Kosovo and Switzerland, our activity seeks for common social themes and urgencies such as the revival of printed press in Kosovo, the absence of reflective institutional spaces for the Albanian diaspora in Switzerland, the politics and social phenomena under migratory experiences, and most importantly providing a welcoming space for expressions of voices unheard within commercial settings.
Potpuri ist eine unabhängige Veröffentlichungsplattform und Initiative, die sich auf experimentelle Forschungsmethoden, investigativen Journalismus und Produktion konzentriert. Der Schwerpunkt des Arbeitsprozesses von Potpuri liegt in der Förderung kollektiver Methoden der Verlagspraxis für die Produktion von Zeitungen. Das Potpuri-Kollektiv arbeitet im Kosovo und der Schweiz. Unsere Themen und Dringlichkeiten wie der Wiederbelebung der gedruckten Presse im Kosovo reichen von dem Fehlen reflektierender institutioneller Räume für die albanische Diaspora in der Schweiz und den sozialen Phänomenen der Migrationserfahrungen. Ein Raum für Ausdruck von Stimmen, die in kommerziellen Umgebungen häufig ungehört bleiben.
This edition was produced with the financial support of the European Union, Provitreff Verein and “ici. here together”.
The content of this publication is the sole responsibility of NGO Rritu and NAFAKË and does not necessarily reflect the views of the European Union or any other funding body.
The content of this publication is the sole responsibility of NGO Rritu and NAFAKË and does not necessarily reflect the views of the European Union or any other funding body.